#TheVeryAngryRussian

Our day to James Bond island through the eyes of the angry Russian man.

Ven I voke up thiz morning, I vaz looking forzard to my boat trip. But ven I sit on ze bus ze boys behind me they begin to be arse hole.
“THFFETHBJUTCBJYV HHRYHFS. JUYGBBJTFV. HGTILLHF!” I shouted in Russian.
My mood it turn bad. I’z now very angry viv my trip. Zen ze man make mistake wiz my booking. I shout zome more at driver. He say, “zorry! Zorry!” But I still angry and shout more.

Now everyone on bus quiet and, ze boys in ze back don’t talk for rest of ze journey. Ven we arrive at dock I iz still angry, zey ‘ave toast but I hatez toast! Ze boys come and say sorry to me but I still angry! Vun of zem touch my arm, I give him stare of ze death! He took iz ‘and off my arm.

Ven we got on boat ze man try to make me put on ze life jacket. “No!” I shoutz at ‘im! “I do notz vant to vear life jacket!”
He explain about trip, I didn’t listen because iz still angry about life jacket. I go out ze front to make a picture, I use gun hands but it looks sheet so I delete it!

We sail past ze island wiv ze people swimming. I barge into boat to shout at guide, “we stop to swim?”
“No, later you swim.” Zis guy make me very angry.
“I vant to swim zere!” I shout at guide!
But he don’t stop to let me swim! He arse hole!

Zen we stop to canoe. I sit alone in canoe and make guide take lots of photo of me because I am beautiful man. Ven I go in cave I see stupid English people boy and girl. Ze girl is holding ze go pro, I hear her say to ze boy
“Can I dip it in ze water?”
Ze boy says
“Yes.” So she dip it in ze water and then the camera break. The English boy seem sad about iz camera.
“I thought it was waterproof!” He says to ze girl. It vaz not waterproof.
Later ze girl ask for my photos. Dis girl very strange! She want all photo of me because she dropped ze camera. I don’t zink it’s because she is writing a diary entry about me and vanted pictures to go viv the story. It because I am beautiful man! I tell her no!

Ven we arrive on James Bond island I excited to take lots of pictures of myself. I have big arm so I take picture flexing my muscle. Iz very strong man. I try to make photo but ze stupid English people get in way of ze camera. I ask lots of people to take ze pictures of me on the island. Ze James Bond island iz very wet, it rain too much! I hear ze English boy say,
“I love him but he’s not worth being wet for!” I don’t understand why zis boy say diz. They iz always watching me..maybe because I iz so beautiful.

I scroll through my picture and I get very angry! I hatez zem all! I give camera to stupid Indian girl to make a photo of me and go to stand on beach.
She does not take ze photo of me! I very angry now! I march to her angry and make her take ze picture of me. I put my hand like guns like James Bond. The stupid English people are standing like married couple but look uncomzible viv ze situation. English boy does not look ‘appy to be married to English girl that dropped his camera. He must be very sad still.

I take millions of pictures because I iz so beautiful. Everyone on ze boat wait for me but I don’t care. I iz making a picture. Ven I get on boat Australian man clap, he iz very ‘appy to see me. I flex my muscle to show em I am strong man.

Ven we stop for food I am very ‘appy viv it. It iz ze best food in ze world. I love chicken. My mouth show smile for first time today because I so appy viv ze meal. Then I see English girl and boy, I ask English girl to make a picture of me. She takes very good photo. I say thank you. Ven I see monkey ze English people say it cruel for it to be wearing ze denim jacket and shorts but I just shout,

“Monkey! Ju Ju!” I shout more “Ju Ju!” I look like crazy man but I no care! “Ju Ju!” The English boy make a video and a picture of me swinging the monkey “Ju Ju!” I shout. The monkey shouts too! I tell ze English people that an American rapper has monkey called Ju Ju so this why I shout it at diz scared monkey.

Ze English boy asks where I am from. I tell im I’m from Egypt. English girl looks annoyed about ziz, Maybe she’s wondering if she will need to re-write whole diary entry now. I zink she will just pretend I am still Russian.

Again I am late back on boat. Everyone looks angry but I smile because of Ju Ju. Zen I lose my bag but find it in front of my face. I was almost angry. We went in cave. It slippery and some people nearly fall over! I didn’t fall because I am strong man. I take picture viv ice cream cave rock. It rock that looks like ice cream. Again I last person on boat! I feel excited because now we go swimming!

On ze beach I wearing my swim shorts, I look at penis, nobody knows why. English boy looks frightened. I just vant to check he iz not affected by cold breeze. I go in and swim near ladies, they look annoyed and also frightened. The sea was gross viz lots of sea weeds in it and a muddy floor. I took off my shirt, my back hairs vave in the breeze, it feel nice.
Ven We got back to bus to go home I try to show English boy video of Ju Ju and shout Ju Ju more on ze bus. Everyone ignores me but I shout anyway. I av had best day of me life!