#DontGoInAThaiCave!AreYouMad?

So a few weeks ago the world watched nervously as a team of child footballers were trapped in a cave in Thailand with their coach. They were down there for almost two weeks and it was very unlikely that they were going to be able to be rescued. The navy worked for days draining the cave from the monsoon rains and finally, all the boys were freed and safe much to the surprise of the entire world watching.

I now bring you to today. The words “Don’t go into a cave!” echo in my mind as I sign up for a tour around Pai.

My head pounded aggressively as I ate my French toast and waffles. The night before was a blur as I tried to remember how I had given myself a hang over of doom. A bucket of tequila sunshine...I felt a bit wobbly but not too bad, one more cocktail at the bar...dead! I felt dead! I was being punished for underestimating Thai quantities.

I pushed my plate to the side and popped some panadol into my mouth. When I saw the bus we would be touring in, I knew it was going to be an interesting trip. We all sat facing each other on the rickety benches and introduced ourselves. I already knew Laura from my hostel as we had spent some time together the night before. There was a girl from Sheffield that I knew James would be excited about. I told her about how he shares boring facts about the city to everyone he meets and instead of agreeing that yes, the fact that they invented the first football rules is of no interest, she just added more, telling me all about their new mayor. (He had banned trump from Sheffield so he does sound like a good guy.)

Our first stop was big white Buddha. He was big ...and white. We were about to walk up the stairs when a woman yelled at us!
“No! Stop! Stop!”
She pointed angrily at the sign. No crop tops, no shorts, no see through people? ..perhaps that was a picture of someone naked.

Laura and I looked each other and then at the sign...oopps! We were able to rent a wrap around and then headed up with a woman from California called Madeline.
“Urrrgg!! Stairs!” I groaned.
“Ahhhh! Still stairs!” I groaned again!
“You’re only allowed to complain once an hour!” Madeline (also a school teacher) told me.
I complained silently from then on until we reached the top. We all posed for pictures with the big Buddha then headed back down. Our next stop was a look out point.
There we were, high in the mountains, on a ledge overlooking the entirety of Pai. Below the grass shone green and the jungle was alive

with wildlife. Or so I’m guessing, all we could see were a few leaves and miles of fog and mist obscuring our view!
“I don’t have the best luck with viewpoints.” Madeline told us.
“So this is your fault?” We glared angrily at her.

It was time. We had arrived. The bus/trailer/thing? Was parked and we were split into groups of three and given a tiny guide. Armed with just a torch we were led to the mouth of the cave...

Normally, I avoid caves because of my claustrophobia so I was relieved to see that the cave was huge inside. She showed us some rock formations that supposedly looked like various animals, my favourite one was the boob shaped rock complete with nips!
We crept further and further into the darkness and up more bloody stairs! (Still don’t have Kim K’s arse despite constant hill and stair

climbing!)
Eventually we reached the river and carefully climbed onto the bamboo raft. I held Laura’s hand as we helped each other to cross the boats, the wood moaning in response to our steps. “Oh god! Don’t snap!” I begged in my head.

Once we were sat very uncomfortably on the wooden stool, they took us 30 seconds down the river and into the next cave. It smelt terrible! Bats lined the walls while hundreds of feathers were scattered across the floor. The handrails were covered in bird and bat poo and we had to climb the steepest wooden staircase to the top. Each step was an effort as I occasionally prodded the wooden handrail to stabilise myself trying not to get bat sh*t on my hands!

The tiny guide lady hurried up the stairs, occasionally plunging us into darkness just to make it slightly more challenging. She showed us the thousand year old coffins that give the cave it’s name. Hollowed out logs lay on the ground and I wondered if they just put them there as an excuse to charge tourists 50baht to go in a cave.

Walking down the stairs was even more tricky than up but we all survived without injury or death. While in the caves, the weather turned. I was relieved to not be leaving attached to a Navy seal diving through the muddy waters. Well..maybe that doesn't so bad actually. I had another pad Thai for lunch which is probably my tenth one! Then we went to the hot spring.

Due to being hung over and ill prepared, I’d forgotten my bikini so I was pleased to find I could buy pants at one of the stalls. I pulled pair after pair of giant Bridget Jones sized nickers out of the bin before settling for a pair with a chicken on them. Laura was kind enough to lend me a spare bikini top and we were in. The warm water soothed my sore blister and made me feel less sticky. I’m always moist and sticky these days! Wah!

Our last stop was the canyon. The skies had cleared leaving just a small drizzle of rain to contend with. We found snacks because I’m always DTE (down to eat) and made our way to the top. It was stunning! Miles of jungle surrounded the brown cliff walls revealing a huge crater in the middle. The canyon looked like a witch’s pot as grey, smokey clouds floated out into the sky.
I ate my too hot and too giant spring roll in peace as we sat on the bench and soaked in the sights.

Feeling tired, we finished the day with a short walk into the night markets. “Shiny crap is still crap!” I reminded myself. I resisted buying clothes but did find myself an even cooler bumbag! I’m not sure if anything shouts “I’ve been to Thailand!” Louder than an elephant bumbag and I shall wear it with pride! (Just not ever again once I’m back in England because let’s be honest, it’s a pretty tragic look!)

To end the evening, we had a drink at a bar with live music. They were actually really good and got most of the English words right too. After one drink I felt my eyeballs stinging and my body falling into a comatose state, it was definitely time for bed.