#MuggedByAManicMonkey

After a very wet afternoon, the sky began to clear leaving the air damp and grey. Time to find monkeys. I had looked on my map that morning and seen a road called Monkey road (how apt) and with it pictures of people with monkeys. When I spoke to the hostel owner he seemed dubious about my attempts to suss them out but suggested I go at dusk as that's when they like to jump out and attack people for food.

I walked along the long, steep road, here is a list of the animals I saw along that very long, steep road.
1 cat
11 dogs
5 chickens
1 wild bore with 10 bore babies
0 monkeys
Hmmm, I thought to myself as my legs ached after another kilometre, maybe I'll just head back once I've reached that next turn in the road. I searched and searched but nothing. More dogs, oh a bird! That one's

new! More dogs, I was giving up hope of seeing them when a couple walked past me.
"Hey! Seen any monkeys?" I asked.
"Yeah, there're loads on that hill."
"Great!" I rushed up the hill, my already red face getting redder, my hair frizzing in the drizzle and then I spotted one. A short, tubby monkey sat on the side of the road, his serious face checking me out to see if I had any food he could pilfer.
"Not today Satan!" I told him.
Behind him, dozens more monkeys sat and played on the street and on the electric cables. Tiny babies breastfed from their mothers while others clung to their mummy's stomachs to be carried. One monkey dangled precariously from a lamppost while its friends swung from tree to tree. I couldn't believe this was all happening on a random road in Thailand.
I met a Thai man who was doing his daily walk up the hill, he told me very strictly not to pet the monkeys.
"No! I don't want to get bitten!" I reassured him.
He then walked with me up the hill which put me more at ease. I've heard stories of monkeys jumping on your head and stealing your jewellery. He had a sling shot to scare them off if they tried anything naughty. We walked to the top of the hill where we reached a look out point with a view of the entire town of Phuket. It's old and ugly but still interesting to see the different cultural architecture. The man kindly took my photo for me and then showed me that I could buy some water from a guy in a hut shop.
I gave him my 10 baht and he gave me my bottle of water. Gratefully, I opened it to take a few swigs before beginning my decent down the hill. Sitting menacingly, a monkey with one eye watched as I went. A chill ran down my spine as fear slowly swept across my body. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw as one eye Bill charged towards me.
"No! Back! Ahh!" He ignored my cries, reaching his lanky arms

towards me and snatching my newly purchased water from my hands.
"NO!" I watched as he twisted the lid, never breaking eye contact (with his one working eye) then shot the water back like an alcoholic tasting his first drink of vodka for the day.
Car lights threw him out of his trance and he carelessly dropped the bottle on the floor letting the remaining water spill out onto the road.
"Oh! Now you're littering!" both the monkey and I watched as the bottle rolled away and I began to walk away from him. His eyes burnt into the back of me and I knew he was following.
"No! AYE!" I clapped my hands aggressively at him but he continued to follow. I was all alone, just me and my mugger, thirsty and tired, what if he wanted to fight? Could I punch a monkey? Is it ethical if it's in self-defense?
"GO AWAY!" Clap clap! This time it worked, he skulked back into the jungle. Lying on the floor was a pile of rocks, I collected one for protection and then walked quickly away from the crime scene.