The Deeds of the Dogs

We woke just before dawn under aerial attack from a giant spider, which the dogs did not detect. Before we could react it had taken Vengeance (Catarina), which meant more mole sausage for us.

We managed to pack pretty quickly that morning, not bothering to get the washing off the line. Vengeance (Catarina) had lost a lot of weight since we abducted her, so would be little more than a light snack for a spider of that size. We could see it on top of Mount Stupid, dipping Vengeance (Catarina) into the gelato like a furry cracker. We wondered if it was watermelon or melon flavoured, and which was best taken with Vengeance (Catarina).

As we entered the neighbouring valley the path narrowed and steepened, which made life difficult for the six remaining dogs. The path then led through a thicket where giant insect-trapping flowers, attracted by the cloud of flies milling about, took our mole sausages. The flowers also took Zombie (Fausta), who attracted a lot of flies too, dirty little mutt that he was.

Shortly after, an avalanche of schmoosch swept down the mountainside and knocked poor Mad Bastard (Bacio) into a crevasse. We could hear him yipping away down below and, assuming he was hungry, we shovelled schmoosch into the crevasse until he stopped yipping.

Pressing on, we skirted the left flank of Mount Stupid, turning back when we came to a sheer cliff. On the the right flank we encountered an enormous boulder blocking our path.

Our last chance was up the middle, where fortune smiled on us. Painted on the rock was the word 'limon', undoubtedly referring to gelato, with directions. We struggled upwards through a tide of water-flavoured schmoosch and reached an amphitheatre with numerous opportunities to feast.

Again, a signpost pointed to the different flavours; also a bell, presumably to attract service. We rang it enthusiastically and a native with a gelato scoop appeared. She was immediately set upon by the dogs. Poor Angel of Death (Dolce) copped a fatal blow with the scoop before we could intervene.

Clearly we'd have to serve ourselves. We cunningly arranged the remnants of the native to make it look like she was having a nap.

Continuing into the amphitheatre, we tasted everything we could reach but there was no limon, no rocky road, no watermelon or melon. Things were looking grim: Archie had developed gelato blindness, we'd lost five dogs, had no food and were wearing smelly, moleskin pants. Faced with starvation, we simply had to eat one of the dogs.

Poor Widowmaker (Aria) drew the short straw and we duly set fire to his recliner sled. While Lexie and Leo searched the Web for a recipe, Slayer (Leona) and Wrath (Allegra) wisely bolted over the hill, taking the remaining sled with all the statues of Mary.

Energised after a hot meal, and unencumbered by dogs and sleds, we followed their tracks over the rim and onto a sloping expanse of gelato that led us gently down from the frozen wasteland to a warm valley. Lexie slid on her behind to protect Mary.

It was good to shed the moleskins, thaw out and see grass and trees again. Leo washed his hair for the first time in weeks.

We gave up tracking Slayer (Leona) and Wrath (Allegra). Having developed a deep distrust of humans, and being accessories to several murders, we assume they kept running until they reached Switzerland, scattering statues of Mary in their wake. This may cause confusion for any pilgrims retracing our steps.

As a final act, a nearby mountain was named 'The Houndschnitzel' in honour of the sacrifice made by Widowmaker (Aria).