#WhatHappenedToThePavolva

We all started our day with some caves, some went floating through the caves on a tube, some walked and Sarah and I part walked, and part sailed down them on a boat. What we all had in common is that we were paying a lot of money to see a shiny arsed bug!

Our tour began in a well-lit cave, not a glow worm in sight! As we walked through, we could hear water dripping and echoing as it hit the ground below. Our guide told us that it’s good luck to be dripped on which put a positive spin on the small shower I was given by the cave, while she was talking!

What we didn’t realise is that our guide was a comedian as she showed us an enormous rock that had fallen from the cave roof only “a week ago!” Everyone paled in panic. The woman behind me was now trembling with fear, children were screaming and running for the exit! Sarah fainted!

“Hahaha,” she chuckled, “it was actually 2000 years ago.”

Now hated by all, she led us into the next room. This time we were able to see a few glow worms chilling on the walls, small green and blue lights shining from them. She showed us their sticky webs that dangle from the caves, used to reel in their prey like a fishing rod.

Once through the narrow passage, we reached a large “cathedral” she showed us some rock statues and various designs on the walls like an elephant and Bob Marley’s dreads! Then we had to all awkwardly sing to demonstrate the acoustics of the cave. Well...I just pretended to sing because I’m not very good at copying the Maori language, or any language for that matter. The Maori's are all amazing singers because it's so engrained and part of their culture, sometimes I wonder if I have any ancient roots to native New Zealand because of this.

The best part came next. We were squashed onto a rowing boat and sent in the darkness through the cave. As you look up, the entire cave ceiling is glowing with lights from the worms. Huge clusters of them like stars lined the walls. It was completely silent with just a few drips falling in the distance. The light at the end of the tunnel was the indication that we were nearly finished our tour. She told us we could now take photos??? Thanks love! Because now all I can see are the bushes outside and a few shaded cave walls! (Rolls eyes!) I think taking a picture of the worms would be like trying to capture fireworks, it always looks rubbish in comparison to the real thing so it was probably best we all had to 'live in the moment!'

A quick stop at the gift shop and our cave fun was over! Sarah bought a Kiwi hat that she promised to wear every day on our tour...spoiler alert! Sarah lied. And then we got drinks while we waited for the others to get back.

Once we were hustled back on the bus with Dinnis helping everyone on, I decided that I would help Ollie with being a tour guide. I pointed out the various street signs and buildings, but Ranji wasn’t impressed, so I got the boot! Instead, I became the DJ and began learning how to speak with a Kiwi accent by copying all the fun words that Ollie says like yis and tin! He definitely was not finding it annoying!

Along the way, we stopped off so some people could get lunch or an ice cream. They had the famous Tip Top frozen yoghurt, so I dashed inside to get my sugar fix! Being good wasn't going as well as planned! I was served by an 8 year old who alerted me to the fact that my 5ft ice cream was about to fall out the cone. The quick thinking childhood labour victim quickly rescued it with a cup and I paid the 4 year old behind the counter my $7. "They love a bit of child labour!" Grainne remarked.

It was quite a long drive to our next place but we stopped off at a hill so that some people could go zorbing. They ran like little hamsters in their ball down the track and then looked like they were being birthed as they spilled out the end along with a splash of water!

People now happily wet and dizzy, we ventured on to the hostel and only had 20 minutes to get ready for our Maori cultural experience.

While we waited for a couple of latecomers, Judy was in full match maker mode. "Phil's single you know Enya!" Now this is no offense to either Phil or Enya, but I couldn't think of a worse matched pair. Within 24 hours Phil's body would be found cut up beneath the floorboards of their two bedroom semi-detached cottage in Cornwall, and it would all be Judy's fault! Everyone quickly 'buried' that idea and we headed off to the Maori village in awkward silence. Well, I wasn't so silent, more enjoying the banned commercial where a guy is talking about cleaning his dick which don't forget means deck to kiwis! Look it up on Youtube...its hilarious! ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vRMI1bT-7eE)

One of the reasons I liked our group was the diverse age range, I didn’t want to be stuck with children like in Queenstown, so I was glad no one was inappropriate with the giant penis statue...

They gathered us in a room full of people and each country had to be introduced. Every single country had to receive a round of applause and I nearly lost it when someone shouted out Wales! Now we had the entire United Kingdom to get through when for the sake of everyone’s sanity they could have just clustered in with England!

Unfortunately this happened just as we were about to get wine so we had to endure it entirely

sober! Once the countries were introduced (including Scotland and Northern Ireland!..sigh) a chief had to be chosen. Although he didn't know what he was agreeing to, Marc had been selected as our chief on the bus, so we all awaited his eager hand to shoot into the air and offer his services. Nothing!
Oh no, an American got selected, Jonathan was fuming and we all shot Marc angry looks. I wasn't angry, just disappointed which everyone knows is way worse!
The room shared exasperated sighs as the far too chipper American stood to take his role on the stage. To make matters worse, an entire American family were appointed to sing to the Maori chief and they were all too happy to let him know that they knew just the song. "Fantastic!" Enya said with her sarcastic/terrifying fake smile.

They took us on a tour of the grounds and showed us a performance of the warriors singing war songs on the river before leading us to a

stage set up as a Maori village. They performed a variety of songs and dances including the famous Haka! We later learnt that a version of it is not allowed to be performed in the South Island because Te rauparaha was the inventor of the All Black haka ka mate ka mate. And also responsible for the killing and enslaving most of the South island so it's disrespectful to perform that haka in the South island, (Sam Griffiths, 2018).

During the chants, songs and dances, Angela and I were particularly enjoying the guy with the good beard and Thor like arms! Marc whispered to me, "I hope they're wearing underwear under those skirts!"
"I don't!" He shook his head in exasperation and I knew Angelia would be dying for a pair of those tiny golden binoculars that they give you in posh London theatres! At the end it was time for the Americans to sing their song. Out they burst with the Hokey Pokey, actions and all. I felt the entire room cringe together.

Once the performance was finished they took us to our meal that had been cooking underground all afternoon in the geothermal steam and unravelled it to show us the lamb, chicken and potatoes that we were all hangry for! Dinner was amazing and then came dessert.

I had been trying hard all week to be less of a greedy cow so when I cut into the pavlova, I took only a small slice. Once I had devoured it I realised that I had made a huge mistake and spent a good 5 minutes looking longingly towards it having an internal argument with myself. Grainne noticed my pain or maybe it wasn’t as internal as I thought and offered to get me some more.
“Um...” just as the pendulum swung pro more pudding the waitress picked it up on a tray flipping it upside down.
“It will still taste the same!” Ranji told me encouragingly. As I considered this, all eyes were on the pavlova. We watched in horror as the waitress picked up the custard pot and slowly and deliberately crushed the pavlova beneath it, the meringue spilling out the sides in a gooey mess! My eyes widened in horror! ...

“It will still taste the same!” Enya cheerfully exclaimed!
We all burst into fits of giggles causing people to glare at our mischievous table.

We had to stifle our laughter as the host began telling us more stories and answering questions.
“Anyone else have any questions?” He asked helpfully.
Just quiet enough for our table to hear Grainne whispered,
“What happened to the pavlova?”

I died.