There have been many challenges on this trip that have stretched and grew me already. The one that stands out the most was probably during the first two weeks of the trip. It was on our first excursion, Notre Dame, that I just felt like I couldn't get grounded in my identity. I didn't know everyone super well yet and I wasn't sure where I fit in the group. My personality is very bubbly, optimistic, disney loving, and very loud. All day I just felt under attack with feelings of being too much and not enough all at the same time. I felt misunderstood and seen as not qualified. It didn't have anything to do with the group it had to do with core feelings that hadn't been dealt with from other situations.

Fear was a big advocate too! I feared that this would be another group that slowly used my personality and naivety as a joke. All day I felt under attack to the point where I needed some hard core Jesus time. I went to my first Holy Spirit night and pretty much balled my eyes out the whole time. It was a good relief to bring those feelings to attention and lay them down at His feet. To point out all of the lies and let them go. Throughout that process God spoke to me about David. David was misunderstood and put out in the field. His father and brothers looked at him as not qualified, but God had a plan for David's life. God was preparing David's heart while he was working in the fields. It didn't matter what anyone said against David. God knew David and knew the impact he was going to have on Israel.

In that moment God spoke to my heart loving on me and letting me know that His plan for my life will always prevail. No matter what season I am in and no matter the actions of others. He replaced rejection with love, fear with reassurance, and words/actions done over me with truth. It was a significant moment because I have always struggled with rejection or fear of rejection. Once I truly understood that God would never reject me or cast me away I felt safe and secure. There was a freedom that I had never felt before.

The next excursion that rocked my world was Versailles. I've talked a lot about Versailles in many of my blogs but never the real depth that really impacted me. Versailles unlocked a door in my heart that I try to water down. It unlocked joy. When you experience true joy you don't care how silly you look or how it affects the people around you. That day I experienced joy in such a fun and free way. I felt free to express my animated self. Free to let out my fairytale heart. Free to dance in the garden if I felt like it (which I most definitely did). There was no fear that day! I felt like a little girl again exploring. I had never felt such a joy and freedom to just be myself and not care what others think. The day changed me!

The next morning I started my devotion with God and it didn't get very far before He blew me away. He brought the scripture Zephaniah 3:17-The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing (ESV). When I looked that scripture up and read it God whispered to me, "I delight in you." He continued to speak over me about how much joy I brought Him at Versailles. How He loved seeing my childlike wonder and my heart completely free to express myself. Tears fell from a deep place in my heart. I sat at my desk completely wretched as God began heart work and healing. I was and will never be too much or not enough. God adores me and takes so much joy when I allow myself to just be me with no restraint.

It's been a process and it's still continuing. There have been unexpected adventures with God that I never imagined. He's done so much heart work in me the first half of the semester and I'm looking forward to the next half. I'm excited to see the growth and transformation at the end of this trip.