Vipassana: start with the observation of nothing but breath and feel the sensations afterwards.

Thankfull, greatfull and (again) full of love towards so many amazing people I've met during this intense time. That's how I feel now I've ended this 10-day course. Well actually it's twelve but heay who's counting when you're not allowed to speak...
I said intense already and when I say that I mean it, these days were some of the hardest during my travels. I've been going through some rough ones when I was missing my dear friends from back home or when I had to say goodbye to people who earned a big spot in my heart, but these days were difficult in a complete different way.

At first I thought the non-speaking part would get to me or the fact that dinner wasn't served because you should not eat after 12.00 (new students would get some fruits around teatime, but still noon is the time when I get my breakfast at lazy days). Only those were not the hardest things during my time at the Dhamma Java. In fact the meditation itself was the hardest. Yeah I know, I can hear the thoughts of those people remembering my daily schedule: "What did you expect? It's like a proper eleven hours a day only doing meditation and you don't have any experience except for the lay-on-the-ground-and-think-of-your-toes-after-pilates-stuff."

Call me naive or crazy but I didn't read into it that much to be honest. I heard about this type of meditation during a personal-leadership-course when I was doing my bachelor 2 years ago and it got my attention. It always just was there in the back of my mind and I knew I would attend one day when I would be in an Asian country for more motivation. People who know me know I have a determent mind and a strong mind of my own. So if I want to do something I'll do it one day or another.
Like I'm walking on my path towards my life goals and I know I'll get there somehow. Maybe my goals will change a little along the way or create new ones to continue my path or I'll take a touristic sidetrack or I'll even go in the complete opposite direction a few times, but I'll get there. Although my path will be full of the highest mountains, the deepest valleys, rough rivers or oceans with strong currents full of tears, I'll get through, I'll look for the beautiful parts and I'll even enjoy the hard and ugly parts as well. Just because all those sights during my journey will shape me, will form me, make me who "I" am and so far I'm really happy with that. So Vipassana was there to be discovered just waiting for me to stumble across it... and I did.

I not only stumbled across it, I felt like I was falling flat on my face a few times, not knowing if this technique would give me the wonderful results it claims to give. My so beloved strong determent mind is also a wandering mind and normally I let it wander because I love to get to know what's there to be found behind every single corner.
Now I was entering a new field of having no thoughts at all, just observe my breath... just breath... bare breath... nothing but breath, don't use my imagination and don't react to anything that might be felt. I had to start with a calm and quite mind... a calm and quite mind, only observe my breath at the triangular area of my nose with the base of my upper lip. If it was deep it was deep and if it was shallow it was shallow, it could be passing along the left nostril or the right nostril and at some moments even through both the nostrils, but I should never try to change it. I had to work patiently and persistently, patiently and persistently.

Yeah the teacher had his way of repeating and sometimes I felt like talking along with him, but it actually fitted well into the whole picture of structure during the course. The ten days allowed you to learn the technique step by step... step by step.

The first day was about observing just the breath, the second day focused on the touch of the breath, the third let you allow to feel the first "sensations" of chemical reactions in this small earlier mentioned triangle area, where fourth made this area even smaller by only focusing on the area under the nose above the upper lip just before we were actually taught the Vipassana meditation itself. Vipassana doesn't focus on just a small part, it makes you move your focus throughout your whole body in the same order from the top of the head to the tips of the toes and from the tips of the toes to the top of the head... and again from the top of the head to the tips of the toes and from the tips of the toes to the top of the head. First part by part and then in a free flow, a really intense free flow of sensations.

The meditation technique helps you to purify the mind by awakening the unconscious mind (which is actually quiet conscious anyways) and sometimes that manifests into a big painful sensation on the surface of the body. But it's just a sensation, don't react, just observe and remember it's a chemical reaction that rises and will pass away... it rises and passes away.

Go with your free flow, then step by step you will be purified and it will become more and more clear that you are just a bag of atoms vibrating really fast.

So that's the theory... time to experience it for myself. Let's start observing.

Pretty much all of the course was intense, but the first day I discovered I'm even more of a dreamer I thought I was. During the observation of the breath I found my mind wandering of to far away places, people, memories and fantasies. After two breaths of observing I got lost in my imagination, three breaths later I realized, got back to observing and then after a few new breaths wandered of again. It was tough and this is the reason I was very happy with the second day when we had to focus on the touch of the breath. That really helped me calm my mind. On this day it still wandered around but it became less and less.
For some reason this was also the day my unconscious mind made me cry and it didn't care to stop to even after the course. I guess my emotions still lay pretty close to each other because after the course it were only happy tears. While during the course they sure weren't.

Crazy how your body deals with all the chemical reactions if you just sit on a pillow for about ten hours a day trying not to think about anything except breathing. During the breaks I walked around the dhama and let my mind wandering of again. It is hard not to if you have no form of entertainment... no book to read, paper to write on or pencil to draw with. No person to talk to... only your own thoughts, a little nature and tons of mosques to listen to during day and night.

After the second day I thought I got the hang of it. The teacher told me that crying is a good thing because that means that you're letting go of the crap inside... so I kept on letting go.
That's when my body decided to let go of some diseases as well... on the third day I thought I could survive my high temperature, but on the fourth day I thought I would be sick for the rest of the course. My fever became stronger and my body was not only painful because of the long sits during the course but also because of my flue or whatever it was. I told the manager and she took great care of me. During Vipassana you are not allowed to get any tranquilizers or painkillers so I was burning my fever by drinking salt water and taking Indonesian herbalpils. Sounds crazy indeed and don't ask me how but the next day I felt already way better. Although we were not allowed to speak I felt the other students giving me strength to get thru. I saw in there eyes that they wanted to know if I felt as miserable as I looked and I even found a flower in front of my door. Like me they were scared I had to quit before the end but luckily I didn't have to. I somehow got through the two hour session of the first actual Vipassana lesson and made it to the one hour video of the evening as well. The video was actually just the headteacher in India, a cute little old man, explaining the new techniques using stories and jokes. I loved those videos. Every evening they gave me motivation to get through the next day and they gave me the opportunity to laugh every now and then. It may sound boring but I really was looking forward to them... maybe also because it meant I could go to sleep within two hours, what was pretty welcomed after a long day of meditation.

So I defeated my fever and was still conquering my wondering mind when I learned a new difficulty of Vipassana: not being allowed to move for at least an hour... really easy if you're watching a movie on a comfortable couch, not so much when you're sitting with crossed legs focusing on every sensation of the body. One last time the manager asked if I still felt my aching body and I answered that I felt much better and only felt the pain of meditation...

"Ow" she said "that's just something you have to get through."

I knew she was right but the way she said it made me secretly wonder if she was joining the same course as I did, but after a new day I found out that it can be pretty easy to "just get through it". Okay to be completely honoust: the last few days everything gets harder again because you reach a next stage of purifying and my concentration got less since I knew the end was near...
But as long as you keep in mind that every sensation nice or painful just rises and will pass away. If you will just observe them without growing any form of craving or aversion towards them, then you can sit still for as long as you want.

The Vipassana course was a great experience. It was hard, intense and confrontational, but in the end I learned a lot, met some amazing new friends and I'm greatfull I had this opportunity: no more words needed.