A friend recently posted this on her Instagram:
"Some of us have been through so much that even something good feels like a setup." (Author Unknown)

This is me.

I've lived at levels of extreme stress for so many years that my body and brain don't even know how to just chill out anymore. And since my health went south in 2015--starting a domino effect that toppled every other aspect of my life--I have felt like I'm walking from one crisis to another. Pivot, slam into a brick wall. Pivot, slam into a brick wall. Over and over again.

So when I was planning this trip, I didn't allow myself to get too excited until everything was done and ready to go, and I was out of my apartment and actually on my way. I remember saying to someone last fall that a part of me didn't really believe that this trip would actually happen, because every time I try to move forward in my life, the universe slams the door in my face. Then of course I got to Calgary and broke my ankle three days before my flight to Italy... it was "only" a delay, but I took it pretty hard for the first week or so.

I read somewhere that people who work in high stress jobs succeed not because they don't feel the stress but because they learn to operate at high stress levels over long periods of time. In fact my brain and body are SO accustomed to operating at high stress levels that even though it's not necessary anymore, I instantly revert back to that as soon as anything threatens my safety. Two weeks ago I spotted what I thought was a strange mole on my leg. It was brown and oddly shaped. I instantly went into crisis management mode, going through all scenarios from getting biopsies and surgeries here to having to return to Canada and cut my trip short. And my brain immediately went to, "see? all I got was 6 weeks of peace and that was it...."

Turns out it was just a bruise or something because it faded away after a week.

If you don't know me well, some of you might read that as an anxiety issue. But I don't have anxiety problems. This is a fight response to a safety threat. Will it ever go away? I have no idea. I just have to take it day by day and do my best to accept the happy times while I have them.

Why am I even telling you all of this? I'm not really sure. It's just what has been on my mind over the past couple of weeks as I've been living in one of the most amazing cities in the world. It's so beautiful here, so relaxed, so sweet. I'm eating gelato and pizza, drinking cappuccino, going for long walks, soaking up the history and culture and getting to know my neighbourhood. I love this city. I want so much to be able to just be happy without constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe that just takes more time?