Managing a group of individuals, regardless of the size, can be a very difficult task. It’s hard to balance being friends with someone while also overseeing their work. There’s a point when responsibility takes precedence over having fun with the group. I’m experiencing a struggle with finding the balance.

Earlier this week, I’d thought I made a lot of headway with the group. Damo, our lead guide, was coming to me for advice on activities and guest queries; Julian, our maintenance guy, was working with me to fix generator issues and figuring out a number of ways to maintain the lodge aesthetics; Tazzie, our head chef, was coming to me for input on how the lead managers – he, Julian and myself – could better run the lodge when Paul and Candice were away; Izzy, our housekeeper, was opening up to me and showing a lot of appreciation for my assistance throughout the week. I’m finally beginning to feel that I’ve earned the respect I’ve been working so hard for. But the balancing scales easily tip around here.

This doesn’t apply to all men, but I think it’s a little easier for some men in a position such as this, especially for men who don’t think or react from an emotional standpoint. Sometimes, when I’m really drained or feeling anxious it really shows. Tazzie, who struggles with depression, has a lot easier time of hiding it, whereas, when I’m feeling low it’s worn like a sign on my forehead no matter how much I try to hide it.

Sometimes, I feel afraid to ask people to do certain things, even though it’s my job to assign tasks, because I want to be liked. While other times I’ll semi-firmly assign tasks and, depending on the situation, ask for accordance or input. As long as I can put forth the assignment without coming off condescending, generally firm allocation is the most effective way, but tends to hinder the work-friendship relations. For instance, today the staff were especially loud in the staff area which is located within earshot of the lodge-dwelling guests. I so wanted to be horsing around with the group who’d started an arm-wrestling competition on the staff table, but instead I barked a quick, “Guys!” and everyone dispersed, not before Frenchy said, “Sorry, Mom” and Simo said, “Uh-oh, fun police.” That really bugged me but I tried really hard not to show it.

I wish I had more time off throughout the day to go to the beach with the girls or have a beer with the guys, but it feels like if I’m not working I’m fitting in a quick shower or a writing-sesh and then sleeping. It becomes quite isolating. Even when Candice and Paul are here I’m not really afforded many occasions to just hang out and bond with the group. When I do get the chance to bond with the group it’s not as comfortable as I’d like it to be and we end up talking about work-related stuff that’s not relaxing. I’m fortunate to have Tazzie who’s also a manager and generally backs me up with everything, but I’m a little jealous of how he can say something to the staff, often in a much more direct and harsh tone, and he is still by far the most respected person here.

I’ve yet to really meet a female manager who is respected, not looked at as a bitch and is able to maintain friendship with coworkers like male managers tend to. I think if I’m able to attain a sense of calm strength and self-confidence, decisiveness while also being flexible, and focusing on the objectives rather than pleasing everyone, I’ll be able to be the female leader that I would be happy to look up to.