I think when one travels there can be a tendency to feel on top of the world, not having to work and being on vacation, trying new experiences, taking pictures, wanting to feel like you're really living an adventurous and full life. i think an actual full life versus society's depiction of a full life is quite different.

During my second trip to Europe I was really in a tourist mindset of just experiencing the city and sights and trying activities to check off. it started to get kind of old in a way though.

Now i'm back round 3 lol, and There's still that part of me that wants to try things and experience all the activities and such because i'm a kid at heart, and at brain lol,

But I think more strongly I'm in the mindset to just connect to people. At this point I prefer sitting in a house all day and chatting or going for a walk or calling someone, even if I'm in an unexplored part of the world.

I think being with my family makes this trip more real at this point, because our grandfather is spiraling downhill with his memory right now, and my aunt has terminal brain cancer out of nowhere so my cousins are trying to figure out how to cope,
and no matter how old you get or how much you experience it, loss is still loss, and the heartbreak doesn't really soften.

I also realized I'm a hoooorrible nurturer. My mom was saying that laughter is said to be the best medicine in some cases so in that sense I can be good, and I really value listening to peoples thoughts and feelings, but otherwise I'm really bad lol. hopefully I can learn how to be more nurturing and practically helpful as well lol.

So it's been real this past week. I think I'll be a bit back in vacation mode when I go to thailand, buuut I don't know how life will pan out and I may make an unexpected return to the states.

Either way i'm learning a lot about connection and thinking of new ways to contribute via my connections.

My cousin was saying, because I wrote him a note with a lot of dumb lines/puns to try to show support, that he & I both have an immature wit that we find hilarious that no one else does, so we should co author a children's book lol.

And when I think about it, I was writing my ideal day one day when I was doing nothing at my office job lol, And it involved essentially being in a neighborhood with close friends where we have barbeques and community gardens and evening sports matches, board games, and my "jobs" being a soccer coach, a writer, or financial advisor for friends businesses.

But also just how great would it be to like be a compliment to a friends skill and try to create something with people like a book, or a song, or movies.

I think it'd be so cool to just have a community of friends where you can just be creative together and have like a film contest or like making a board game contest and just try out different things every week.

Anyway food for thought.

The main thing to take away is that connection is number one
after smittymanwerberjenkins.

and also that english barbeques arent barbeques lol.
also it was really nice to talk to lily ken sarah and andy, and gabby a bit. and i'm really looking forward to spending time with aiwa soon.
and everybody lol. i need to skype my mom so i can see darcy lol. and send serena my list for her to do on done that she wont do because shes smart LOL. and arianas a kaka

anywaaaay europes got a week left on it and it's been a much different ride than possibly expected because i really went in on this without much of a plan at all so it's crazy, but it's been really helpful for me and i'm really grateful .

and i think my mainhope in new zealand is I can read a lot of books, talk to a lot of people, and learn skills that I can take with me to connect and compliment other peoples skills.

but i know it'll be easily a lonely route if i just let myself stay comfortable, so i hope i make it into something. or i willll make it ;)

but so far it's been just a lot of love and support from people who are really dear to me. and i feel pretty secure with my friendships and just being able to travel and not worry about things because i know i'll be back sooner than i know it. and i know things and situations will change but my friendships will be consistent. my done relationships havent changed theyve only gotten stronger i feel. and my home relationships will always be my rocks.

gratitudeee, onward ho