Today I realized something. I think I love my job.

I just came home from work really, really happy. We have a weekly journal assignment for our internship seminar, so I wrote about that for this week. I'll just paste that entry here. It's so hard to convey my feelings on paper, but here goes!

When I arrived in Berlin, I had a lot of expectations. I’ve been to Germany twice before, so I was pretty certain that I knew what I was getting into. The last time I visited was four years ago. I traveled by myself and stayed with some family friends in Hannover. Even though the trip was only two weeks long, I remember feeling deeply homesick each night. Then, in the morning, I would wake up and be unable to call my parents due to the time difference. I was surrounded by a language I hardly spoke, in a city I didn’t know, with people I’d met maybe three times before. As much as I enjoyed the trip, it was difficult.

So, when my plane touched down in my favorite country ever, I braced myself for the worst. I knew I would probably spend several nights a week crying into my pillows. I would call home most evenings if my phone plan allowed it. The mornings would drag on, leaving me feeling isolated with no American friends or family to reach out to. It was going to be hard. But I wanted to do it.

Yet, as I sit here in my living room, a pretty German sunset pouring in through our open windows, I feel none of these things. I’ve been so utterly content, even joyful, this entire journey. Sure, there have been minor setbacks. Work can be really exhausting, and the traffic here is terrifying. But all these things are so small in comparison to the amazing things I’ve experienced. I don’t feel deeply homesick. I haven’t cried yet (wooo personal record there!). I don’t feel overwhelmed or out of place or suffocated by a different culture.

Maybe it’s the long daylight hours here (sun is really good for your mental well-being!) Perhaps it’s the fact that I’ve been away at college for three years now, so I’m more independent. Or maybe German food has special healing properties (I mean, Doener is pretty magical). I remember that two weeks in German felt so long. I’ve been here for more than two weeks now, and they’ve flown by so quickly. Each day has been filled with so many rich new experiences.

For the first time since I visited eight years ago, I really feel like this could become home. Sure, I’ve always said I wanted to live in Germany. And I did! But that dream seemed so surreal and impossible. I didn’t believe I could really fit in here. Past experience had shown me that it would be incredibly difficult. If I couldn’t make it two weeks, how could I stay here for the rest of my life? But now, as I walk past German cafes and German signs and German people every day to my German work with my German coworkers, I feel so comfortable. Sure, I freak out mentally when the waiter asks me what I’d like to drink, but I know confidence in the language will come with more time.

Germany isn’t some mystical place to me anymore. It’s real. It’s not that different than home. People live here and work here and raise families here. I can see myself living in Berlin just as readily as Seattle or Chicago.

One of my primary goals in choosing this internship program was to decide if I had a future in Germany. I hoped it would become abundantly clear one way or another. In the back of my mind, I was convinced it wouldn’t work out. I could come back to the States, happy for the experience but ready to be back among my fellow Americans. Yet here we are. I have no idea which country I’d rather live in. I really believe I could stay here (Providing I can find a nice Lutheran German boy to marry ?? ). But I have also realized that I will always love America. It is my home country, after all, messed up as it is! I suppose I have at least a year before I have to get my first job, so I have time to pray about it and reach a decision. I don’t know where I’ll end up. It’s kind of exciting, in a way though. I have the whole world to choose from (well, I’ll probably live in either America or Germany, but still!) The future is still undecided, and I am content with that.